Judging by this week’s Previously… it would appear that all the things I thought were notable by their absence last week are due to be addressed this episode.

From the off, we get to catch up on what’s happening with poor old Theon Greyjoy, or Reek as he now appears to be called. Obviously we, the audience, need to be reminded how much of a bastard Iwan Rheon’s character is (pun most definitely intended) so we’re treated a scene of him hunting some girl through the woods and watch on as he releases the hounds to chew upon this poor unfortunate’s face. Then we get an inkling that the director of this particular episode obviously has a wicked sense of humour as we cut from a shot of a rather forlorn looking Theon to a plate full of massive sausages. Nice.

We then get to see a rare scene with Tyrion and Jaime, both characters have come quite a long way since we last saw them drinking together way back in Season 1 so it’s nice to see the two of them relaxing for a change with Tyrion even offering to help Jaime get back his fighting mojo. Now, I’m reliably informed that Bronn should not be the one training Jaime, but I’m glad he is, more screen time for Bronn = more chuckling from me.

There then follows a scene with many Boltons, the culmination of which I believe is that if The Bastard of Bolton can kick the shit out of Moat Cailin then he’ll be elevated to Lord High Bastard or some such title.

And we’re back in King’s Landing as the preparations for Joffrey’s wedding continue we find that Varys is unwilling to cover up Tyrion’s relationship with Shae and it’s starting to look fairly likely that she’s not going to survive the episode as Cersei rats her out to Tywin. Joffrey partakes in a little of what appears to be his favourite passtime in this episode, that of Tyrion baiting by chopping his present up into little bits with one of them there re-forged Valyrian Steel swords. We, the audience wish it was Joffrey being minced.

Tyrion pulls out his complete bastard card in an attempt to get rid of Shae before she gets strung up and her odds of survival increase slightly as she is escorted off camera by Bronn.

We’re then given an opportunity to catch up with a bunch of characters that I’d almost forgotten about: Stannis, Mother of Smoke Baby and the Onion Knight amongst others. To be perfectly honest I really have no idea what these characters are up to, but I’m sure I’ll have recieved a potted history on them by next week’s show.

All of a sudden we’re chewing on a deer. This can only mean we’re back with Bran and (YAY) Hodor. A brief bit of warging and tree hugging later, Bran now apparently knows where he has to go and what he has to do. I, on the other hand, still have no bogging clue.

So to the main event. The Purple Wedding. Surely after the Red Wedding this one will go swimmingly well.

The wedding itself seems to go off with only the intended hitch and then there’s the after party. We’re treated to a marvellous spectacle of musicians, fools, a dwarven re-enactment society and more. It seems at this stage that Shae has managed to escape a grisly fate at Tywin’s hands and has been packed off on a boat by Bronn, but I’m not convinced. There are so many wonderful exchanges during this scene that they are impossible to list but mainly consist of people being overly sarcastic and threatening to each other. If the tensions continue to rise like this it’s entirely likely that we’re going to be several characters lighter by the end of this episode.

As Joffrey’s Tyrion baiting approaches epic proportions I begin to wonder if any other child character has ever been so universally hated as Joffrey. It occurs to me that even if Draco Malfoy had skinned Dobby the House Elf and wore his flesh as a meat suit onesie whilst dry humping the cooling corpses of our favourite fallen Gryffindors he would still come in a distant second behind this insufferable little prick. Just as I think Tyrion is about to start tearing Joffrey a new arsehole it appears our beloved king has a bit of a frog in his throat. A few seconds escalation later and I suddenly understand why this is called the Purple Wedding as we are treated to a spectacular scene of Joffrey failing his saving throw versus poison.

Sansa is whisked off by the fool and Tyrion is carried off accused of poisoning the king. Seriously, this guy really never gets a break.

All in all, a wonderful episode and a fitting end to Joffrey’s reign. The one thing I take from this week’s episode is: Never invite George R.R. Martin to a wedding.

Quote of the week:
(Gargles on his own blood)